Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
