the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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