Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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