Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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