Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
