I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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