she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Actions speak louder than pants.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
