My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
