Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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