I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
