my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
what the fuck happened to the tacos
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
