I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
