Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
