I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
