he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
