This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Still dying that you shit outside
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
