He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
