we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
