The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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