Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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