im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
