New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
