just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
someone get that fucking seahorse.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
