I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
