Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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