Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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