Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
