OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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