i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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