I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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