who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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