Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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