Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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