my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
