someone threw a dead crab at me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
