how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
