Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
