i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
