Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
