I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
