Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
