don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
