Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
