My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
