Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
