oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
