he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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