I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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