the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
