I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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