Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
