I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
