My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
