i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
worst night to have a conscience
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
