At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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