Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
